Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Joy Handleris an American comedian, actress, writer, television host, and producer. She hosted a late-night talk show called Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014, and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. In May 2016 she began her new talk show Chelsea on Netflix. In 2012, Time placed her on the list of its 100 Most Influential People...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 February 1975
CityLivingston, NJ
CountryUnited States of America
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied—so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.