Justin Halpern
Justin Halpern
Justin Samuel Halpern is the American author of the Twitter feed "Shit My Dad Says" and the best-selling book Sh*t My Dad Says. He was also the co-writer and co-executive producer of a CBS television situation comedy series based on the book. His second book I Suck at Girls was published in 2012 and was the basis for the 2014 television show Surviving Jack...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionAuthor
Date of Birth3 September 1980
CountryUnited States of America
writing dumb way
There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.
san-diego los-angeles herpes
Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.
teacher faces balls
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
book champion breakfast
Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
nice people needs
Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.
inspirational feel-better ideas
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
creative garbage sweatpants
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
worry prison gang
Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.
sick bullshit looks
You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.
moving smell car
On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.
worry bullshit dying
What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.
worry people mad
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..
sexy son league
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
ice parent drug
My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.