Justin Halpern
Justin Halpern
Justin Samuel Halpern is the American author of the Twitter feed "Shit My Dad Says" and the best-selling book Sh*t My Dad Says. He was also the co-writer and co-executive producer of a CBS television situation comedy series based on the book. His second book I Suck at Girls was published in 2012 and was the basis for the 2014 television show Surviving Jack...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionAuthor
Date of Birth3 September 1980
CountryUnited States of America
bullshit house tornadoes
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
loss winning kind
I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.
growing-up father book
I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.
worry prison gang
Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.
creative garbage sweatpants
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
inspirational feel-better ideas
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
years nine pool
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
sick bullshit looks
You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.
moving smell car
On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.
worry bullshit dying
What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.
worry people mad
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..
nice people needs
Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.
ice parent drug
My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.
jesus mean silence
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.