Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth24 February 1968
CitySaint Paul, MN
CountryUnited States of America
add appliance job keeps kitchen names wanna work
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
comedy dangerous gonna people pick wave
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'
liked rewrite screw script wrote
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.
escalator order sorry
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
suitcase
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
apartment bears bunch hold koala turn
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'
sister
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
dry gonna guys owes passed sign somebody street walking window
I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.
sick time
I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
audience close drawn enjoying eyes picture
I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
devil pickles sold soul
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill.
american-comedian belt holds loops pants
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?
hair
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
american-comedian dancer drive imagine morse tap understand
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.