Famous Quotes & Sayings

Patton Oswalt

Well, my dad had a lot of Jonathan Winters albums, so those were my first memories of listening to anything funny, and those were very influential.

George Burns

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Ben Stiller

When you come out with a film, hopefully it gets presented to the public in the right way so people aren't getting something they don't expect.

Ring Lardner

I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant.

Ring Lardner

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve.

Ring Lardner

No one, ever, wrote anything as well even after one drink as he would have done with out it.

Ring Lardner

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.

Ring Lardner

The only real happiness a ballplayer has is when he is playing a ball game and accomplishes something he didn't think he could do.

Wanda Sykes

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

But as the times change, people change, and so do their tastes, so I try to understand what the public wants, what they require.

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

If you are doing well, it is an incredible lifestyle.

Tim Robbins

I wouldn't even get elected. I'd probably deck a couple of people, too which would not play very well with the national media.

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Andy Richter

Since she got a cause and stopped being funny. I think she's real funny, but lately it's all been hearts and flowers and tears and saving teenagers and creating a role model. And that ain't funny. No giggles there.

Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Dana Carvey

I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Jimmy Fallon

I first met Queen when we worked together on Saturday Night Live and you just saw immediately that she got comedy. Immediately she got every joke.

Dana Carvey

I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.

Andy Richter

Because homecoming came first, and there was the homecoming court. The five guys on homecoming court were disqualified from being in the prom court. So being prom king was being sixth most popular.

E. B. White

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than a whole one.

Josh Billings

Genius ain't nothing more than elegant common sense.

Flip Wilson

Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine.

Wanda Sykes

I don't know if it's a woman's tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I'm at work.

Chevy Chase

Most people just want you to acknowledge that they did recognize you. Those who want an autograph or a photo is a different matter altogether.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Lucille Ball

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

Josh Billings

One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.

One feature of our life that is very evident is the apathy of most young persons, which in extreme cases is manifested as delinquency.

Debra Wilson

Just generation after generation of people singing and performing and all that artistic and creative outflow had to go somewhere.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.