Famous Quotes & Sayings

Paula Poundstone

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Julia Sweeney

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

Carrot Top

Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful.

Jerry Stiller

I still haven't hit what I do best yet.

Todd Barry

You always think you're better than you are in the beginning.

Lenny Bruce

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Samantha Bee

It doesn't always click for people or they don't know the show - which I can't imagine - but there are people out there who don't.

Well, I'm sure there are people of Turkish origin wouldn't want to do that, but external forces would try to influence the situation in Turkey.

Dana Carvey

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Jerry Stiller

I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it.

E. B. White

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Jerry Stiller

I don't let my feelings out. The audience brings out the part of me that wants to be funny. Maybe I want to be like that very deep down.

Lucille Ball

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.

Bob Hope

I have to much money invested in sweaters.

Ben Stiller

I have not gone to an 'N Sync concert personally. But my dad did a part in Lance Bass' new movie. He could not be a nicer young man.

George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

Mike Epps

I'm engaged, on the way to being married.

Martin Lawrence

I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.

Patton Oswalt

I love doing stand-up, and having a growing core of fans forces me to experiment and push every time. Everyone has fun - me, most importantly.

Sarah Silverman

The nightmare stories are all true, but it was good. Made me so strong after that year of getting my confidence beaten out of me.

Dana Carvey

You trying putting Bob Hope in a modern corporate movie now and get him up at 4:00 a.m. and get him on the set for 20 hours a day.

Bill Cosby

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Kate Clinton

We signed up for Showtime, which I think put us on a Homeland Security list somewhere.

Kate Clinton

They didn't even like Margaret Thatcher but at least there was Margaret Thatcher. There have been women, you know, Sonia Gandhi for heaven's sakes in India.

Mike Epps

I've been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don't even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I'm changed. Now I feel regular. I feel like I'm supposed to.

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

I have tried to make the music a bit easier for them to understand.

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

In his day, the audience was well aware of the music, of the classical beat.