Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bob Hope

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Bob Hope

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bill Gates

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.

Bill Gates

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Bob Arum

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.

Chelsea Handler

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Chelsea Handler

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Rampling

I think you have to earn beauty. You can use it or abuse it however you want when you`re young. It`s a God-given gift. You have a visiting card - you can go into any room and someone will come and talk to you. But I`ve always thought from very early on that you have to be careful with that - not being vain or narcissistic. Have fun, but don`t be obsessed with it.

Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Bo Derek

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Bo Burnham

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

Bo Burnham

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Billy Idol

My dad was one of the reasons I got into rock and roll, because I was learning the ropes of his business, which was selling powertools, and I was looking for a way out from under his heel. I was like, 'Where's the fun? Where's the glamour?

Betty White

If you call me a comedian I will be very grateful. I will thank you profoundly. No, I love doing comedy. It's fun once in a while to do a serious part but I really enjoy doing comedy because I love to laugh.

Betty White

I just make it my business to get along with people so I can have fun. It's that simple.