Famous Quotes & Sayings

Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Chelsea Handler

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Rampling

I think you have to earn beauty. You can use it or abuse it however you want when you`re young. It`s a God-given gift. You have a visiting card - you can go into any room and someone will come and talk to you. But I`ve always thought from very early on that you have to be careful with that - not being vain or narcissistic. Have fun, but don`t be obsessed with it.

Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Bo Derek

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Bo Burnham

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

Bo Burnham

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Bo Burnham

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Bo Burnham

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Bo Burnham

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Billy Idol

My dad was one of the reasons I got into rock and roll, because I was learning the ropes of his business, which was selling powertools, and I was looking for a way out from under his heel. I was like, 'Where's the fun? Where's the glamour?

Betty White

If you call me a comedian I will be very grateful. I will thank you profoundly. No, I love doing comedy. It's fun once in a while to do a serious part but I really enjoy doing comedy because I love to laugh.

Betty White

I just make it my business to get along with people so I can have fun. It's that simple.

Betty White

I love straight-face comedy or relatively subtle comedy. And then I turn around and I find myself doing very broad comedy but it's all fun and you have to keep your sense of humor and not take yourself seriously.

Betty White

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

We're going to do a show that's loose, human, passionate and funny. A new generation of radio for people with real lives.

William Shakespeare

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.

Alfred Hitchcock

Paramount functions practically as a studio setup for him.