Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bob Hope

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Bob Hope

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Bob Hope

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bill Gates

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.

Bill Gates

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Bob Arum

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.

Chelsea Handler

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Chelsea Handler

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Chelsea Handler

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Rampling

I think you have to earn beauty. You can use it or abuse it however you want when you`re young. It`s a God-given gift. You have a visiting card - you can go into any room and someone will come and talk to you. But I`ve always thought from very early on that you have to be careful with that - not being vain or narcissistic. Have fun, but don`t be obsessed with it.