Famous Quotes & Sayings

Carrie Fisher

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Bill Burr

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Bill Burr

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!

Bill Burr

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Bill Burr

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

Bill Bryson

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose

Bette Davis

From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.

Bette Davis

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Bette Davis

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Berkeley Breathed

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Ashton Kutcher

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

Bill Vaughan

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Bill Vaughan

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

Bill Vaughan

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Bill Vaughan

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Burr

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

Bill Hicks

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Bill Hicks

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Bill Hicks

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Bill Hicks

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Bill Hicks

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

Bill Hicks

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Bill Hicks

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

Michael Lewis

The A's are held to the standard of the Yankees in a funny kind of way. That if they don't win the World Series it is regarded as a failure.

Russell Banks

That was the funny part of the reading.

That would be kind of funny. I guess it would be kind of an honor, too. But at the same time, you hear guys saying, 'I want that long-term deal,' because of the security.

Julianna Guill

My cheerleader part in 'Fired Up!' is really funny.

Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny.

I think I'm prepared for it, just because of my personality and the way I am. I know there's going to be some harsh things, some funny things. I'm going to try and take it all in as a joke, go out there and handle my business.

Elle King

I think I write funny songs that make people kind of, like, stop what they're doing and be like, 'What did you say?' And then it makes them laugh a little bit.