Quotes about funny
funny team night
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform. Jay Leno
funny queens london-olympics
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.
funny fighting london-olympics
In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.
funny london-olympics chinese
Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.
funny team kids
I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.
funny new-year health
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
funny dog toilets
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
funny witty two
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
funny weed marijuana
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
funny voting politics
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
funny humorous doctors
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
funny money thinking
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
funny romantic valentines-day
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
funny christmas wise
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
funny art listening
You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut. Carly Fiorina
funny leadership small-acts
Leadership comes in small acts as well as bold strokes.
funny-inspirational opportunity data
The data is clear: If you give a woman an opportunity, she will make a huge difference.
funny humor night
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. Candice Bergen
funny memorable california
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
funny writing sarcasm
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. Burt Bacharach
funny inspiring important
If you're into what you're playing, that's the most important thing. James Hetfield
funny moving way
I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way. Jarvis Cocker
funny sarcastic cutting
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. Janeane Garofalo
funny giving office
This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!' Jane Pauley
funny baby lying
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies ... a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!" Chris Rock
funny war humor
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
funny rap humor
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"
funny brother hate
Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"
funny basketball baseball
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
funny running humor
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
funny jobs fall
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
funny ideas laughing
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
funny dance humor
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!