Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jimmy Carr

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jimmy Carr

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Jimmy Carr

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Jimmy Carr

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Jimmy Carr

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Jimmy Carr

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Jimmy Carr

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Jimmy Carr

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Jimmy Carr

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Jimmy Carr

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

Jimmy Carr

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Jimmy Carr

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

Jim Norton

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

Jim Norton

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Jim Norton

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

Jim Norton

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

Jim Norton

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Jim Norton

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Jim Norton

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

Jim Norton

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Jim Norton

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

Jim Norton

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Jim Norton

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

Jim Norton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Jim Norton

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

Jim Norton

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Jim Norton

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Jim Norton

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

Jim Norton

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Jim Norton

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

Jim Norton

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

Jim Norton

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.