Famous Quotes & Sayings

John Lothrop Motley

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessities.

John Locke

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

John Lithgow

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

John Barrymore

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

John Barrymore

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

Jodie Marsh

Is an egg a vegetable?

Jodie Marsh

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops.

Jimmy Durante

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.

Jimmy Durante

I hate music, especially when it's played.

Jimmy Carr

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Jimmy Carr

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Jimmy Carr

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

Jimmy Carr

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Jimmy Carr

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Jimmy Carr

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Jimmy Carr

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Jimmy Carr

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Jimmy Carr

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Jimmy Carr

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Jimmy Carr

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Jimmy Carr

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

Jimmy Carr

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Jimmy Carr

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Jimmy Carr

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Jimmy Carr

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Jimmy Carr

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Jimmy Carr

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Jimmy Carr

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?