Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jim Norton

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Jim Norton

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

Jim Norton

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Jim Norton

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

Jim Norton

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Jim Norton

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

Jim Norton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Jim Norton

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

Jim Norton

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Jim Norton

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Jim Norton

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

Jim Norton

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Jim Norton

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

George Lopez

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

It's a raw, grungy, funny show. If this kind of show can't work here, it can't work anywhere.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, 'Mrs. Solar, I'm sweating.' She was stunned.

Dick Armey

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.

Dave Chappelle

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

Dave Chappelle

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Dave Chappelle

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Dave Chappelle

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Dave Barry

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Dave Barry

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Dave Barry

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Dave Barry

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.