Quotes by 'Bob Monkhouse'

Bob Monkhouse

Robert Alan "Bob" Monkhouse, OBE was an English entertainer...

dad sleep passengers

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

people sunglasses questions-and-answers

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

funny-marriage pay investment

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

archer paper toilets

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

funny-retirement age retiring

What do gardeners do when they retire?

mom mother baby

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

laughing comedian wanted

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

silence golden silence-is

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

growing-up compulsory optional

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

funny-life bad-day intelligent

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

funny sex humor

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

horse funny-relationship wife

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

funny humor wife

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

wife funny-marriage use

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.