Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Demetri Evan Martinis an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 May 1973
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
night lasts stories
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
multiple-choice choices tests
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
sexy scotch tape
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
night amputees twister
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.
fire giving arms
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
queens kings men
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
average scream ends
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
looks slow-motion eating
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
grateful average hendrix
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
funny humor thinking
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
good-morning hope im-sorry
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
funny cute girl
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
funny humor laughing
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
funny humor months
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.