Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!