Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.