Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.