Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?