Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.