Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.