Jackie Mason
Jackie Mason
Jackie Mason is an American stand-up comedian and film and television actor. He is ranked #63 on Comedy Central's 100 greatest stand-up comedians of all-time...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth9 June 1931
CitySheboygan, WI
CountryUnited States of America
football player self
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
people trying i-can
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
country america tears
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
hands europe cake
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!
country sex new-york
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
basketball school play
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
crazy war writing
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!
two kitchen sushi
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
funny money humorous
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
country new-york important
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
father successful window
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
grandfather one-day watches
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
hate half remember
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
girlfriend thinking wife
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .