Famous Quotes & Sayings

Anthony Jeselnik

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Ann Landers

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

Ann Landers

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Ann Landers

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Ann Landers

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Charles Bukowski

After dinner or lunch or whatever it was -- with my crazy 12-hour night I was no longer sure what was what -- I said, "Look, baby, I'm sorry, but don't you realize that this job is driving me crazy? Look, let's give it up. Let's just lay around and make love and take walks and talk a little. Let's go to the zoo. Let's look at animals. Let's drive down and look at the ocean. It's only 45 minutes. Let's play games in the arcades. Let's go to the races, the Art Museum, the boxing matches. Let's have friends. Let's laugh. This kind of life like everybody else's kind of life: it's killing us.

William Shakespeare

Liberty plucks justice by the nose; The baby beats the nurse, and quite athwart Goes all decorum.

Robert Bloch

I haven't had this much fun since the rats ate my baby sister

Rita Rudner

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

Thomas Sowell

Asking liberals where wages and prices come from is like asking six-year-olds where babies come from.

Robert Greenwald

The disaster in the Gulf was no accident. It was the result of years of oil money buying off politicians to lead to an unregulated and ill focused addiction to oil and drilling. The doomed fate of the local fisherman and the environment were foretold in the infamous chants of 'Drill, Baby, Drill.

Rob Kardashian

I sleep with my baby blanket, Kiki, that my nana made for me.

Rob Kardashian

On a baby of his own: You gotta be married first. That's my rule: marriage then baby!

Ricki Lake

I do not want to die being known for doing baby mama DNA tests on my show.

Dick Cavett

Great humorists are great insulters.