Related Quotes
funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer. Anthony Jeselnik
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
funny mom brother
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
funny blessed dental
Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists. Ann Landers
funny motivational hilarious
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
funny children talking
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
funny hilarious party
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
funny friends country
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.
witty memories kids
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry