Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Henny Youngman

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Henny Youngman

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Henny Youngman

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Henny Youngman

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

Henny Youngman

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Henny Youngman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Henny Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Henny Youngman

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Henny Youngman

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!