Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Henny Youngman

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Henny Youngman

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Henny Youngman

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Henny Youngman

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Henny Youngman

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Henny Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Henny Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Henny Youngman

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Henny Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.