Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mike Birbiglia

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

Mark Twain

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.

Mario Puzo

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

Natasha Leggero

Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.

Muhammad Ali

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

Mitch Hedberg

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

Mitch Hedberg

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

Mitch Hedberg

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

Mitch Hedberg

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Mitch Hedberg

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Oscar Wilde

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

Larry Wall

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.

Keanu Reeves

I mean, I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me.

Kristen Schaal

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Kristen Schaal

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

Kristen Stewart

It's a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do - you're proud of it - and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.

Oscar Levant

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Marc Maron

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Katy Perry

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.

Katy Perry

I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.

Lily Tomlin

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Lily Tomlin

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.