Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Steven Wright

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Steven Wright

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Steven Wright

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Steven Wright

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Steven Wright

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Steven Wright

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Steven Wright

I took a baby shower.

Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.