Famous Quotes & Sayings

Buster Keaton

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

Burt Reynolds

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

Celia Rivenbark

She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.

Celine Dion

To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god.

Catherine O'Hara

I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?

Carroll O'Connor

Nations have come under the control of haters and fools.

Carson McCullers

Next to music beer was best.

Carol Burnett

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

Carol Burnett

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Carol Burnett

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Alan Coren

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by....

Alan Coren

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

Al Unser

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

Al Yankovic

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'

Al Capone

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

Al Gore

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

Al Gore

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Al Gore

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

Al Gore

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.

Charles Darwin

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.

Charles Barkley

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.

Charles Barkley

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

Charles Barkley

Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cause you were too close, kissing his!

Charles Barkley

I don't mess with that cat. I'm pretty sure he carries a blade under his jersey.

Charles Barkley

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.

Charles Barkley

Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.

Charles Barkley

Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.

Charles Barkley

Say, Cuttino. What are those Godawful clothes you're wearing? Man, this ain't Rhode Island anymore. You're in the NBA. The girls have teeth here.

Charles Barkley

The older I get, the faster I was.

Bobby Darin

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

Blaise Pascal

If you gain, you gain all. If you lose, you lose nothing. Wager then, without hesitation, that He exists.

Billie Holiday

They think they can make fuel from horse manure - now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.