Famous Quotes & Sayings

Chelsea Handler

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlyne Yi

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

Charlie Pierce

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.

Charlie Sheen

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.

Charlie Sheen

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.

Charles Woodson

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.

Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio.

Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Bob Monkhouse

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Bob Monkhouse

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Newhart

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Bo Derek

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Bo Burnham

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Bo Burnham

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Bo Burnham

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Bo Burnham

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

Bo Burnham

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Bo Burnham

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Bo Burnham

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'