Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

Mitch Hedberg

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

Mitch Hedberg

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Mitch Hedberg

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

Mitch Hedberg

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Mitch Hedberg

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

Mitch Hedberg

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

Naguib Mahfouz

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Miriam Makeba

I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me.

R. D. Laing

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.

Leonardo DiCaprio

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

Oscar Wilde

We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.

Oscar Wilde

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.

Oscar Wilde

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

Oscar Wilde

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Oscar Wilde

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

Oscar Wilde

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Oscar Wilde

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Oscar Wilde

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

Oscar Wilde

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Oscar Wilde

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

Oscar Wilde

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Oscar Wilde

All art is quite useless.