Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Steven Wright

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Steven Wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Steven Wright

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Steven Wright

Clones are people two.

Steven Wright

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Steven Wright

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Steven Wright

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Steven Wright

I had my coat hangers spayed.

Steven Wright

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally.

Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester.

Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Steven Wright

The speed of time is one second per second.

Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Steven Wright

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Steven Wright

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.