Famous Quotes & Sayings

Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Demetri Martin

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself.

Bob Dole

Life is very important to Americans.

Bob Dole

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

Bob Dylan

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Billy Crystal

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

Billy Connolly

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

Billy Connolly

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Billy Connolly

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Billy Connolly

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Billy Connolly

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

Billy Connolly

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Billy Connolly

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Billy Connolly

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"