Dave Attell
Dave Attell
Dave Attellis an American stand-up comedian, writer and actor, best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell and The Gong Show with Dave Attell. Born in Queens, New York, he grew up in Rockville Centre, New York with his cousins the Small family and now lives in New York City...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth18 January 1965
CityQueens, NY
CountryUnited States of America
dream two doors
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
couple firsts sometimes
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
tongue alarms ass
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
crystals teeth helping
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
smoking camels three
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
growing-up dad thinking
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
cuddling lines fine
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
funny-relationship
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
birthday daughter party
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
dad hate causes
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
cuz honey rooms
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
garbage
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
sex animal people
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
light trying sometimes
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.