Dave Attell
Dave Attell
Dave Attellis an American stand-up comedian, writer and actor, best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell and The Gong Show with Dave Attell. Born in Queens, New York, he grew up in Rockville Centre, New York with his cousins the Small family and now lives in New York City...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth18 January 1965
CityQueens, NY
CountryUnited States of America
funny humor machines
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
mean looks magazines
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.
beautiful sex confused
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
funny sports morning
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
funny humor fantasy
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
thinking winning ifs
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
hurt hate stupid
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta--da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
ears soundtracks music-is
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
drinking order doctors
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
book phones drunk
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
what-if drink alright
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
funny baby jesus
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
funny mother humor
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
comedy comic plus
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.