Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!