Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.