Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth29 April 1954
CityBrooklyn, NY
CountryUnited States of America
dream night lasts
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
halloween self years
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
eclairs gymnast hell
What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
thirsty pretzels
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
distance way miles
You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'
sex lying people
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.
phones meditation mind
It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!
crazy-ideas proven can-do
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
funny book reading
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
years blenders
Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.
islands light what-matters
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the red light [camera] comes on.
dirty problem t-shirt
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
dad love-is being-a-dad
I love being a dad. I just love it.
kids funny-friend government
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.