Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Ada Driver, better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh...
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth17 July 1917
CityLima, OH
phases tables dinner
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
funny beach humor
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
dating easy
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
inspirational cupcakes rooms
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
funny sides onions
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
years eight smoking
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
boyfriend sex miles
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
christmas xmas past
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
years use cleaning
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
home kissing years
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
get-well sloth lazy
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
funny dog stoves
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
fire mud californians
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
suicide husband kids
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.