Steven Wright
Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wrightis an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth6 December 1955
CountryUnited States of America
birthday moving tired
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
funny-motivational math people
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
sleep next-day self
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
phones long calendars
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."
friendship acupuncture voodoo
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
friendship wall doors
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
money fees fund
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
money fax-machines i-can
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
money party italian
A fool and his money are soon partying.
funny sarcastic humorous
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
distance long walking
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
waiting speed hours
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
baby beach vacation
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
time watches spares
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.