Steven Wright
Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wrightis an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth6 December 1955
CountryUnited States of America
justice house window
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
bread hardness softness
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
people tree shadow
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
funny-motivational math people
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
funny humor preparation
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
tired people saws
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
feet car wheels
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
heart sassy legs
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
funny humor employee
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
yesterday car missing
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
degrees study calcium
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
ems true-lies
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
dog people ledges
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
funny gardening ants
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!