Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
funny humor doctors
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
funny stars humor
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
funny humor past
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
funny humor men
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
funny humor today
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
funny humor lazy
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
funny humor doors
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
funny humor circles
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
funny humor house
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
funny humor paper
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
garden thinking people
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
dishes butlers
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
acting bonus
I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
style different comedy
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.