Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
rip velcro
Velcro: what a rip-off.
funny humor past
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
dvds psychiatrist shrinks
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
house firsts chimneys
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
dishes butlers
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
funny humor names
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
funny humor doctors
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
funny stars humor
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
funny humor men
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
funny humor today
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
funny humor lazy
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
funny humor circles
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
funny humor house
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
pun ifs
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.