Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
funny stars humor
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
funny humor men
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
funny humor today
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
funny humor lazy
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
funny humor circles
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
funny humor house
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
pun ifs
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
ducks chinese red
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
metaphor simile knows
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
funny humor swimming
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
funny humor night
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
style different comedy
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
funny humor filing-cabinet
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
funny pieces rooms
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.