Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
ducks chinese red
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
metaphor simile knows
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
funny humor swimming
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
funny humor night
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
couple blow tricks
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
coffee writing thinking
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
style different comedy
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
narrative stories one-liner
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
funny humor filing-cabinet
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
funny brother dad
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
funny pieces rooms
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
horse dark black
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
silly laughing people
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
silly people effort
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.