Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
eye site sore-eyes
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
holiday once-in-a-lifetime lifetime
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
funny humor oysters
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
dad son years
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
sun tanning olympics
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
funny humor thinking
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
funny humor trying
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
funny humor eggs
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
funny believe humor
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
funny humor giving
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
dust collecting hoover
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
stars mean rocks
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.