Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
bloke chatting fast pull saw trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'.
flexible gym instructor teach
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
boss came driving happened managing policeman promoted rang second third time
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
brother dad either mum older people younger
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
contain hardly love pack small trying
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
narrative stories one-liner
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
silly laughing people
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
silly people effort
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
wall teenager house
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
coffee writing thinking
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
funny brother dad
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
funny humor blokes
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
funny humor clubs
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
funny humor names
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.