Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
boss came driving happened managing policeman promoted rang second third time
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
flexible gym instructor teach
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
brother dad either mum older people younger
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
funny humor trying
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
funny humor thinking
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
sun tanning olympics
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
dad son years
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
party italian islands
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
funny humor oysters
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
funny humor past
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
dvds psychiatrist shrinks
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
dishes butlers
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
funny humor names
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
funny humor doctors
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."