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funny wall cancer
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer. Anthony Jeselnik
funny girlfriend couple
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
funny dad father
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
funny mom brother
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
funny blessed dental
Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists. Ann Landers
funny motivational hilarious
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
funny children talking
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
funny hilarious party
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
funny friends country
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.
sarcastic hate hate-him
You had to stand in line to hate him. Hedda Hopper
sarcastic faces facts
I've learned that I need to spell out, even in cases seemingly so blatant, that in fact I am not taking this at face value and am being 'sarcastic. James Fallows
sarcastic littles knows
He knows so little and knows it so fluently. Ellen Glasgow
sarcastic sarcastic-person persons
I'm a sarcastic person. I learn through humor. Rachel Maddow
sarcastic fall winter
The snow may be falling in the winter of my discontent, but at least I've got sarcastic company. John Green
sarcastic boys city-of-lost-souls
She realized that this scarred, sarcastic boy, was gentle with the things he loved. Cassandra Clare
sarcastic zest-for-life dry
I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life. Krysten Ritter
sarcastic witty sarcasm
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. Paul Newman
sarcastic wife horny
You slam a politician, you make out he's the devil, with horns and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses. Pamela Hansford Johnson
loneliness fighting against-love
I had traded the fight against love for the fight against loneliness, the fight against life for the fight against death. F. Scott Fitzgerald