Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Demetri Evan Martinis an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 May 1973
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
rain dry wednesday
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
baby turtles nephew
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
uncles kissing forgiving
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
looks
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
secret hey none-of-your-business
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
men saws old-man
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
sorry mean enough
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
thinking invention all-time
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
funny humor sleep
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
funny humor cutting
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."
funny humor gay
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.
funny humor animal
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
funny humor want
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
funny hate humor
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'