Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

Steven Wright

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Steven Wright

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?

Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Steven Wright

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Steven Wright

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Steven Wright

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Steven Wright

I lost a button hole.

Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average.

Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.