Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually.

Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Tommy Bolt

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

Tommy Cooper

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Tommy Cooper

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Tommy Cooper

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tommy Cooper

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".